So Far...

Okay, my last post was a little short so I'll give you a "brief" rundown of my time in San Francisco so far.

We flew on Sunday the 21st. Okay flight although the movie was "Monster In Law". I would have called it "Monster Waste of Time". But I watched it to help pass the time. Got in and settled into my quite comfortable room although I had a massive water leak just outside my kitchen. Turned out my dishwasher had a leak out of the water pump. So they fixed that for me and vacuumed up all the water. All good.

The wonderful company managers at ACT took 9 of us grocery shopping to stock up our kitchens. It was hilarious. We had a thousand bags of groceries packed into the back of a pick up truck all labeled with our initials so we didn't mix them up.

That night we went out for a nice dinner and waited for the Vancouver gang to get in. They arrived around 10:30 and were going for dinner themselves as they weren't jetlagged. Me on the other hand, I was about to fall over. I forced myself to stay awake until midnight to try and get a normal night's sleep.

Day One in San Fran.
We signed up at the fabulous gym, had quick work out and then back to clean up before an afternoon on the town. First of all my girl Vic and I went to ...wait for it....The Designer Shoe Warehouse!!! Three floors of shoes people....THREE!! So I got a cute pair of sneaker type casual shoes for a steel. I'll try and post a picture of them at some point.

Then it was off to the Ferry Terminal Market. Lovely. Got a nice salmon filet for dinner with some super super yummy goat cheese and sourdough bread. Delicious!!!

The group fractured at this point and Sal and I wandered over to the touristy part of Fisherman's Warf. So much to see but at this point, my dogs were definitely barking. Especially considering the new ones were rubbing a little at the back. So we wandered around briefly and then headed back to the hotel for a nap.

On the way we took a trolley car back to our neighbourhood. So fun. It looks just like this. And the drivers are hysterical interacting with the tourist and all. Very cool.

Tuesday I got up early and wandered down to an outdoor vegetable market and picked up some freshies. Very great deals. Wandered back and then had to make an unexpected trip to the Doc as I seemed to develop an unfortunate UTI. Not pleasant. But he fixed me up with some fab antibiotics, didn't charge me for the visit, and now it's all good.

That night we had our first night on stage and that's been the jist of it. Rehearsals during the day with a run at night. Like I mentioned in my last post, we had our first preview audience last night and they LOVED the show. It was so good to hear reactions of the crowd again. Hartford really had me doubting the show and to hear these guys react in the way we've been used to reaffirmed that it wasn't so much the show but who we're playing too. I'll just say, the roar of the crowd was so overwhelming at the end of the show, we couldn't hear our curtain call music. How great is that?!

So we've got a show tonight, two on Saturday and two on Sunday. It's going to be a busy weekend but it looks like Monday (our day off) is going to be a group outing to for a bit of an impromptu wine tour. Should be fun. I'll let you know!

Settled in

Well gang, I've settled into my home away from home in San Francisco. We're in an apartment hotel with kitchenettes. It's really cosy. I like it a lot. It actually feels comfortable to come back to and spend time in.

Rehearsals and tech are going well...better than we imagined really. We had a tech dress last night with no major screw ups. Tonight we have our first audience so we'll get a first impression on how the show is going to be received.

This is an amazing city and has so much going on. We're trying to remember that we have a month here and don't have to do everything in the first week. Any suggestions of what we MUST see?

All right...gotta run. I'll try to post again soon but as I mentioned previously, it's not easy to get online. I'll do my best.
Be well bloggers.

Rice A Roni!!!

Well folks, I'm off in a little over an hour. I'm doing my best to be "excited" but to be honest I'm having a hard time going. I won't go into it now as I feel like that's all I've been doing these last few days leading up to my departure.

Instead I will talk about the show. We're going to the beautiful city by the bay; San Francisco. We'll be there for at least a month, with the possibility of an extra week. If you know anyone in the San Fran area that likes theatre (Grody...) have them check us out. You can get more info from clicking on this.

I'm not sure how often I'll be able to post as our access to the internet will be somewhat limited to internet cafe's and such, but I'll do my best to keep everyone updated on how we're doing.

Ciao for now!!!

A year later...

And here we have the happy couple ON their one year anniversary. G-man looks as if he's ready to run screaming while Mz. Maizun is so drunk on champagne she's giggling like a schoolgirl. Or does this picture actually show Mz.M giving her man a little pinch on the bum?

But seriously folks; It turned out to be a beautiful afternoon. Thanks to Jimmy for taken some pics for us on our day.

August 18, 2005

"They" say the first year of marriage is the hardest. I have to disagree with "them". Today is my one year wedding anniversary and aside from all the loss this year has brought, it has been the best year of my life. Why? Because I learned the true meaning of unconditional love. I've learned what it means to have support there before I ever realized I needing it. I learned what it means to be loved for who you are and what you bring to the relationship; good and bad. I've learned it's not about scoring the point, it's about playing the game. I've learned how to allow myself to be loved and cherished and to experience the same for another human being.

Thank you my love for taking my hand one year ago and not letting for for a single second. I love you more than words can ever express.

Whew....what a weekend

Friday night:
I had a super grumpy day at work, which translated into a super grumpy evening. G worked LATE so I was left to my own “devices”; also not good. I watched a couple of movies and finally gave up the fight at midnight and went to bed. What made me grumpy you ask? Not sure really. Lousy night’s sleep. Impending departure from my “life” for five weeks. Leaving G, L & M, and all my friends for a month is bitter sweet. Of course I’m looking forward to being in SF, doing the show and seeing all my peeps but at the same time it feels like majorly bad timing considering everything that’s going on; especially with my Dad.

Saturday:
What a fun day. Slept in til 10:30 (God I love the weekends) and then called J for breaky @ Boom. Wanker didn’t show up by 11:30 after telling him we wanted to go sooner rather than later so we headed over without him. He met us at the restaurant after dropping off some Cornwall Cheese in our mailbox. I know what you’re thinking: “Leaving the cheese outside, in your mailbox?! Isn’t it going to go bad?” Well according to J, Cornwall Cheese isn’t supposed to be kept in the fridge. It’s “out of fridge” cheese. And it’s heavenly cheese at that. Cornwall Cheese is a little squeaky when you chew it and I love it. J redeemed his tardy arrival by providing me some of the goodness.

After breakfast I got our stuff ready for Port Hope while G emptied the fridge. It was on the fritz and so we decided to defrost the freezer (G left a bottle of mineral water in there a while back, which exploded and left quite the mess. Apparently some of the vents to the fridge portion got clogged and frozen over so it wasn’t sending down the cold). I know, exciting stuff isn’t it.

So with an emptied fridge and an overflowing cooler of condiments, we headed out to the FIRST ANNUAL MASON HORSESHOE EXTRAVEGANZA. I’ve been looking forward to this for weeks, more for the promise of a day of margaritas than lawn games. We arrived around 3:30 and I got the blender going right away. I won’t go into all the gory details but I will tell you that although G was drinking beer, we both were “in the bag” by 8:30 and disappeared into our tent (the inaugural voyage for our fantastic Bugaboo Tent from Canadian Tire – brilliant wedding gift from the Mason’s & Georgiana) for the night. No funny stuff here folks, just good old fashioned drunken passing out!!!

Sunday:

At 3am when I woke up to take out my contact lenses, I was stricken with the worst headache and queasy belly. I thought for sure I was going to die. They don't call it "To-Kill-Ya" for nothing. I had a big glass of water and a couple of Liqui-Gel Advils and I’m telling ya…I was fine in the morning. I couldn’t believe it. I was a little low energy but no headache.

Didn’t stop me from sitting in Cat Pooh though. Funny story – read E’s telling of it.

In the afternoon I went to visit Dad and for whatever reason, the reality of the situation hit me harder than it normally does. To see him like he is now and realize how far he is from the man he was, just really got to me. I broke down as soon as I got into the car and cried all the way back to B&K’s. I talked to B about it and he acknowledged that it happens to him too. No rhyme or reason as to why it’s harder to take some days over others but at least I didn’t feel like I was a freak or anything.

Afterwards we had a nice dinner and a quick game of Scrotum…don’t ask and then it was time to head back home to the city. I tried with all my might to stay awake to keep G company but alas…I didn’t make it past Newtonville this time. Normally I can hold on until Oshawa but the emotional rollercoaster of the day took it out of me.

And that was the weekend. Super fun and super stressful. How can that be?

Lunch?

I bought a Super 7 quick pick at lunch today. Didn't eat it for two reasons:

1. Not really very hungry
2. Would rather win the 2.5 million

Feeling rather cranky today so it's probably better if I don't post. Wouldn't like to injure myself in the process.

HE'S BACK!!!

Not that I actually think many people went to the link I posted and voted but regardless...Kaysar's back!!! I was so happy to find out that he got 82% of the vote.
As long as James doesn't win the HOH competition this week, things should be pretty good! Not that you care!!

That's Me

Virgos are the user's manual readers of the zodiac. You are the makers of lists, the queens of "to-do." You may never use your lists, but you have an innate need to be organized. Your room is likely to be the cleanest, most organized of all your friends'. But you can also always be counted on to accomplish whatever needs to be done, especially when what needs to be done requires exact precision and attention to details. You're happiest when giving of yourself and helping others. Be careful of giving too much of yourself, though. As a perfectionist Virgo, you have a tendency to burn yourself out. Slow down and take a little you time.

Oh M&M, but why?

I'm not sure I know what to do with this information.

I used to think he was okay. I even had a dream one night (after seeing 8 Mile) that I was in love with him. And I'm a big advocate of the fart but this?

Ma Soeur

One good thing that has come out of the passing of my mom is how close my sister and I have become in the last ten months. We still get caught up in our lives and don't talk as often as either of us would like, but we seem to carry a connection to the other with us in our daily lives.

To say that I teased her when we were kids doesn't even scratch the surface of how much I tormented her back then. We didn't really get a long as there is six years between us and Carly always had a way of annoying the shit out of me. As a toddler she used to follow me around and copying everything I did. It's a form of flattery my mom used to say, she wants to be just like you! Whatever! I drove me crazy!!! As we got older I don't even remember what she did to piss me off...just exist I guess. Not many people know the true depths of my torturous nature but my sister experienced the worst of it. I used to sneak into her closet before she went to bed and then jump out and scare the livin' crap out of her. I used to sneak (there was a lot of sneaking involved back then) into the bathroom when she was having a shower and either a) pour cold water over the top of the shower or b) try to grab her through the curtain while yelling "RAAA!!!". Both were big winners!!

I was awful. It's amazing she even talks to me after all the stuff I pulled on her. WhenI was 19 I got into a car accident in my mom's car. My mom freaked out!!! Some guy had hit me but it didn't matter...it was her car and she was mad. My sister on the other hand asked me, "Are you okay?" and that was the day we became friends. Strange how that happened but after that day we never got caught up in the silbling bickering that plagued us before.

She just moved to Port McNeil, BC with her family; three sons, husband and a dog. My nephews are the most amazing kids. Extremely well behaved and absolutely adorable.

The hardest part of living in the big T-dot-Oh is being away from her and her boys. I love hearing them call me Auntie C. We were able to spend Christmas together with G's family plus my grandparents and my Uncle J. It was incredible to have everyone around the dining room table. Exactly the way we needed to spend Christmas last year.

I guess I wanted to write this about her today to recognize how far we've come in our relationship. I'm glad she didn't give up on me after I was so rough on her as a kid. She's a good egg that one. I love 'er!

Here are her boys:

oh and that's Santa in the background - he's not related...

Frankie and Noah

I'm always going on about my girls and I wanted to take a moment to show off my kitten's cousins. (They are the kitties to my aunt and uncle so that makes them my girls cousins...right?)

Noah and Frankie are a couple of persian kitties that are about 6 years old. I could be wrong on the age but they are so adorable. I remember when I first met them they could fit in the palm of my hand. Super yummy.

Here they are:

That's Frankie on the left and Noah on the right. It took me FOREVER to be able to tell them apart and even now I get them mixed up sometimes. So oranage...so fluffy!

Update on Dad

I sent this out by email this morning. If I missed anyone I apologize. Here it is:

I figured it was time for an update on my dad’s situation. I realized that I was quick to dole out the news when it first happened but then haven’t been so speedy in my subsequent updates. Thank you to all that have asked and I apologize for my tardy report.

I guess I’ve been remiss because it’s quite difficult to describe what’s happening with his progress. I’ll start with the medical mumbo jumbo. His doctor and care workers believe that his progress warrants a more concentrated effort in the form of a Rehabilitation Centre for full time focus on improving his capabilities. They believe that he has made more progress than anyone ever imagined so we’re applying to the three rehab centres in Ontario that have a “slow stream rehab” and focus primarily on “acquired brain injury” patients. He’s stay there until he “plateau’s” and then they’ll determine if he needs to go into a Long Term Care Facility or not. They suspect he will but he’s surprised us thus far, so you never know. Now he’s off the feeding tube for the most part. He’s eating in the dining room for his meals, albeit mushy and not very appetizing, at least he’s eating. He’s somewhat mobile. They’ve had him up with the walker and in a wheelchair that he moves about with his feet. Not quite enough co-ordination to move with his hands yet. He’s getting better at getting up out of bed but still needs some assistance.

On a more personal level, Dad is doing better but by no means is he 100% back with us. Some days are better than others, some days he knows who we are, some days he doesn’t. It seems that even over the course of a visit he can be with me for an hour or so and then gone for the rest of the time. It all depends on how tired he is, how awake he is (you don’t get much if he’s just woken up from a nap).

During our visit with him on Saturday we had about 45 minutes where he really seemed with us. I can’t always understand what he’s saying but it seems that he’s really trying to communicate. And we’ve started telling him when we can’t understand and he’s good about repeating himself but sometimes the misunderstood stuff is repeated in the same manner and we still can’t figure out what he’s saying.

I guess the hardest thing right now is that he’s very emotional. They say this is common with brain injury patients but that doesn’t make it any easier for me considering I’m so emotional myself. Saturday, upon telling him that I loved him he touched my face and looked at me just like the good old days. We had a good boo hoo about the whole situation during which he put his arm around me and patted me on the back. It was very touching and even though we couldn’t always communicate with one another I knew we were feeling the same thing. Shitty deal!

It’s hard not to assume to know what he’s trying to say when the words get jumbled. I want to help him out but ultimately I either don’t understand or just don’t know what he’s trying to say. I’m hoping with more speech therapy we’ll be able to understand him better because I know he gets frustrated with it as well.

And that’s where we are at this point. We’re hoping to get him into the Rehab Centre before I leave for San Francisco on the 22nd but we’ll have to keep our fingers crossed on that one. I’ve met with the lawyer to get the Guardian of Property Certificate handled and she didn’t think it would be too long a process now that the ball is rolling. Again, we’re hoping to have it done before I go but we’re not sure if it can be THAT quick.

Thanks to all for their prayers, good thoughts and well wishes. We appreciate them all and they seem to be working so keep them coming. Love y’all!!

New Rules for MzMaizun

Rule #5

Stop expectations in their tracks.

I’ve tried and tried and I’m going to try again. Maybe by putting it down as one of my new rules, it might actually stick this time. I find it a tricky balance with this because growing up, we’re always taught, “Expect the best and settle for no less!” and being the Virgo I am, I live my life with high expectations of myself and those around me. But time after time I find myself pissed off because someone (including myself) or something, hasn’t lived up to my expectations. So…they’re out. It’s not that I’m saying I’m expecting the worst from people; I’m just going to be open to receive whatever comes my way.

Rule #4

Genuinely smile more.

Over the last 10 months I’ve been bombarded with a lot of grief and it has, on occasion, coloured my view on things and made me feel downright lousy. The other day I was walking home and I was feeling rather blah and I though, “What would happen if I just walked the rest of the way home with a smile on my face?” So I did and by the time I got there, I felt pretty darn good.

Rule #3

Phone my brother and sister more.

Okay, it’s a little bit of a cop out to just say “more” here for this one but if I picked up the phone once a month it would be more than I’m doing now, so all I know is that I have to make a conscious effort to keep in touch with them. My sister is ever diligent about calling me and I love her for that. My brother and I don’t talk unless I call him and if I want that to change then I figure I’m going to have to make the first few (few=thousand) steps.

Rule #2

Exercise 3 times a week

For some reason I’m having a really hard time making this choice a part of my lifestyle. I don’t seem to have any trouble doing it when it’s just to “tone up” or “lose a couple pounds” but I want to incorporate it into my lifestyle. I want to reach a place where I miss it when I don’t do it and when I don’t care if I “plateau” or "peak", I just want to do it.

Rule #1

Tell people I care about then when I feel it.

I learned a nice lesson last night during a dinner with friends. The “hostess” said to all of us just as we were about to eat, “I just want everyone at this table to know, I love you all” and it made me think how nice it was that she told us and didn’t just keep the thought to herself. I believe that you never know when you are going to see a person next, why not tell them how you feel.

I guess that could work in the opposite way too. If someone’s pissing me off I should tell them at the time. Ahhh…I’ll add that to the next list of rules. I think I can only handle five at a time!

How does it know??

Like clockwork; like every other month that I’ve had a headache, I woke up this morning without one. I went to bed last night at the end of day three thinking, “This is pretty bad tonight. I won’t be surprised if it’s still here tomorrow.” But, low and behold, it was gone. How does my body know when three days are up? I guess it’s more appropriate to ask, why do they always last exactly three days?
I don’t know. I don’t care right now because I’m pain free. The best day of my month is always the day after the headache breaks. I feel so free and happy. It’s too bad I can’t feel that way all month but then I guess that’s just human nature.

Not Informed?

It's been made apparent to me that a couple of people are a little miffed about finding out that G and I are in "baby talks" and they have to learn about said talks through my blog.

I know no one is truly bothered but I want to clarify that no decision has been made. I'm blogging about things in my head and discussions that G and I have been having on this subject. If I wasn't blogging about it, we would still be talking and of course I would still be thinking but NO ONE would know anything. Once a decision has been made (and I believe we are coming close to that decision) then I'm sure we'll be having some one on one discussions.

I also feel it's icky to tell people that we are going to start "trying". It obviously implies that we are going to be having sex...and that's just weird to talk to with some people. Secondly, what if we (god forbid) run into "complications"? Knock on wood that we don't but you never know. I've spent so many years not wanting to have kids that part of me is afraid that I might be barren as pay back!

And I know this may be a cop out but with everything that's been going on with my dad, with working up until the day I leave for SF and with getting ready to go to SF, I haven't had A LOT of time to have one on one conversations with many people. I apologize for that but hey... at least there's the blog!

Too Much Blogging?

Why do I feel the need to air thoughts that should (or could) remain private? And what is too private for "blogging"?

Questions that came about last night that I don't think I have a concise answer for. I really enjoy blogging and I've been trying to fully understand why that is. Is it my navel gazing nature that's looking for a public forum? Possibly. But all self deprecation aside; this morning I realized that when I left Vancouver, I left behind a very solid and well structured women's support group. We met once a month (with wine and yummies of course) and it was an opportunity to check in and air what was rumbling around in our heads and, more importantly, in our lives. Since moving to Toronto I've threatened a couple of times of starting a similar group out here but it has never taken off. I now see that blogging has, to a certain degree, replaced my women's group. I'm able to air what's going on for me and, as in my group, I get feedback or I don't. Either is okay because it's once it's out, I can move freely again.

Does that make sense?

Ponderables

I stumbed on from another blog I've been keeping up with. They are cute I thought it was worth posting

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Another vote!!!

I'm not the only one!

If you're keeping track

Well the headache hit Saturday morning and it's still kickin' around. I guess I'm doomed to have a three day headache once a month. I did everything "right" and it still came on.

So I'm going to have to talk to the Doc about making some changes!!

Trade me in for a new model

On top of this pain in the neck headache I’ve got going on, I’ve literally got a pain in the neck. I can’t turn my head to the left more than a couple of inches. If straight ahead was 12:00, I can only turn it to about 10:00 before it starts hurting. The “headache” is radiating down the left side so I’m totally f’ed.

Not happy here people!! Not one bit!

10 Things You May or May Not Know About Me:

10. I was in Air Cadets for 3 years. It says 5 years on my acting resume but it was a typo that I decided not to fix.

9. I can type 65 words per minute. I took typing in high school thinking I would need it for typing essays and papers for “college””. Little did I know it would help me get jobs!

8. I love guacamole. Nuff said.

7. I can tap dance. I took two terms of tap while at theatre school. Was my favourite part of the whole three years.

6. I know sign language. We had deaf students at our high school and my best friend and I got to know a bunch of them and learned to sign in the process. I don’t get to do it very often but I love it because it’s the ultimate way to physically communicate.

5. I love Canadian Football. I grew up with the BC Lions in their hay day in the ‘80’s with Roy Dewalt as Quarterback and Swervin’ Mervin Fernandez as Long Receiver and I was hooked. I still like the Lions but the game isn’t as good.

4. The only piercing I have left is my navel (and my ears of course). The “other” one has been out for a long time.

3. I have two middle names, the first one is Anne and the second is Fredrika after my great grandfather Fredrick.

2. I wanted to be a teacher until I discovered acting in grade 11. When I graduated from high school I thought I would become an acting teacher because I didn’t think I would have what it takes to make it in the acting world. I thought I was too lazy to actually go for it. Once I got to college I realized that I could “make it” and I dropped the idea of becoming a teacher. Now I’m thinking of becoming a nurse.

1. I don’t believe in the “God” that organized religion touts around like a magic wand. I believe in spirituality and collective consciousness. I believe in “the universe” moving thoughts, words and energy around in a way that gives and takes. If there was a God, why did he take my mother and father from me on the span of 10 months?

You wanna know what's weird?

Okay, this is weird. I'm on assignment in an office that I've been at for the past two weeks now. That's not the weird part. What's weird is that it's 1:15pm and I am the ONLY one here. There's a filing cabinet full of snacks (licorice, chips, m&m's, granola bars, popcorn,gum, the list goes on and on), there's a TV that's constantly on and constantly tuned to CNN business or something equally as mindnumbing, but more to the point... I'm the ONLY one here. Weird.

Afternoon Television Therapy

You don’t become what you want, you become what you believe.

Yes the words came from Oprah yesterday afternoon, but nothing she has ever said has hit me as hard as this.

Ever since I hit the point of no return with G, I experience moments of happiness that are immediately followed by a comment, in my head, similar to: “Enjoy it now because it’s not going to last” or “Laugh now because one day he’s going to leave you”.

I’ve spent a good portion of my adult live believing (or fearing) that I was going to end up like my mother. Let’s take a look here:

· Single mother
· Over weight
· Alone
· And more recently – dead from a massive stroke

I’m almost 34, I just got married last year and I have no children. I’m 130 lbs (sometimes 135 if it’s been a particularly “chippy” time) and as far as I know, I’m not having a stroke…at this moment. I’ve got very little in common with her but still, I’m literally terrified that I’m going to end up like her.

When I think about having children I tell myself that I’m going to have to accept the fact that one day I might be a single parent and until I can be okay with that I shouldn’t be having any.

I exercise (albeit sporadically) because if I feel a little soft and pudgy I imagine looking like she did and it scares me running… literally.

And here’s something that doesn’t really fit into the “mom” profile but it fits with Oprah’s statement. I think I'm difficult because I get ticked off very easily. I have a short fuse and it’s easy for me to be bothered by other people’s behaviour. For example;

Yesterday was a big day for me with the lawyer and all. When I said goodbye to G in the morning, he didn’t offer any words of support or encouragement. Somewhat excusable because he was still sleeping and not really very coherent. He called at 8:15pm to ask if I had gone out with some friends as expected (thanks for not calling Tanya!!!) and when he realized I was home, simply said that he would see me soon. Silly me! I had thought he was calling to find out how it went with the lawyer. Once he got home, he sat down and started watching Vanity Fair on the Movie Network. Nothin. I went to do up the dishes and while in there he came in and asked what I did after work. I stopped and looked at him with the “What do you think I did after work?!” look on my face to which he replied, “What?” with a smirk. He still didn’t get it.

So I’m ticked. Something this major and he doesn’t feel it necessary to even try to remember that it’s happening. I don’t want to say anything to him, because I feel like it’s a piddley and it really shouldn’t matter but nonetheless, I’m irked.

(Thanks, I needed to get that off my chest) Here’s the thing; I’ve always believed myself to be moody and hard to please. Whenever G and I get through a big blow out, I always thank him for putting up with me and being patient with me because I believe that I’m overly sensitive and emotional.

I feel like if I don’t change my beliefs about myself, they are going to come true. I’m sure I’m paraphrasing but the gist of what Oprah said was,

“It’s a circle. You put out to the universe what you believe (or fear) and when it comes time for the universe to give you something in return, the only thing that’s out there is your “belief” so that’s what it gives you. If you believe something positive, that’s what it gives you. If you believe something negative, that’s what you get.”

I need some new beliefs. I need to do some soul searching and seriously look at who I am, separate from my mother. I need to believe in the positive and not ignore the possibility of the negative. I do know enough about myself to understand that if I am in a good and confident place, I can deal with just about anything. I mean look at the last 10 months of my life. If I can handle that and still get out of bed in the morning, I’m in pretty good shape.

Here's the thing, over the last few months I have actually believed that it’s possible for Gary and I to grow old together. That he won’t in fact leave me one day. I don’t know what happened to plant this seed but it seems to be growing quite well. It’s something in his eyes. It’s something in the way he looks at me with so much love (I’m tearing up as I write this – and that’s not good because I’m in an open concept office) that makes me believe we are going to make it. I guess I’m tearing up because there is still a little fear there of losing it all. I’m hoping that with time I’ll believe it more and more until one day there is only the future with him ahead of me.

Thanks Oprah.

The Meeting on Bay Street

And things did go well with the lawyer, thanks for asking. She was really impressed with the amount of prep work I did and didn't think it was going to take too long to get the ball rolling. There's a bunch drafts that she needs to put together using the material I collected but she thinks that we may even be able to have everything finished before I go away on the 22nd. That's amazing.

Here's a funny story. At the end of all the "talking about my dad" stuff, this conversation followed:

LL (lawyer lady): This is when I usually talk to the client about the retainer. We typically ask for a $5000...

Me: audible squeek

LL: in cases such as this. Obviously you will be repaid the money from your father's account once you have the Certificate of Guardianship. If you can't manage that we have, in the past, made an exception and asked for 1/2 the retainer amount and settled with $2500.

Me: second audible squeek

LL: Is this something you and your family can manage?"

Me: To be completely honest, right now I have $350 dollars to my name. Tomorrow it'll be up to possibly $800. I know my family isn't in the position to cover this as my aunt, who was living with my dad, is under some financial strain because he is no longer around to give the financial support he was providing her, and my aunt and uncle are still recovering from my uncle's heartattack five years ago. So no... I don't think this is something we can manage.

LL: Okay, well why don't we just move forward and cover expenses as they arrise and worry about the final bill when the time comes.

Me: Yes, I think that would be best. Thank you.

I was a little ticked because when I originally talked to her brother about the firm taking on our case, he mentioned nothing about a retainer. He did tell me it was going to be expensive but there was no mention of cash up front. So I was very please to see that it didn't become a matter of them not helping me because of it. whew!

Don't judge, just help me

yes I have an addition to reality television. whatever, get over it. that's not important right now. what is important is I need your help.

here's the scoop: Big Brother's tagline this summer is "The Summer of Secrets". last night they sprang the whopper on the house guests that one of the three evicted house guests is going to be voted (by the viewers) back into the house.

now I can only spend so much of my day voting so I need you to help me out. follow this link - CBS.com and vote for either Kaysar or Michael. I'd prefer Kaysar as he's creating the biggest stir in the house but Michael's on "my team" too so if you want to you can vote for him instead.

If you're bored and have some time to kill, vote repeatedly.



if you need a visual reference, this is Kaysar here on the left, and Michael on the right.

thanks y'all... I knew I could count on you.

All signs point to clear sailing

For those of you who are keeping track: Day Two and still no headache. I constantly feel the threat of one coming on (hard to explain this sensation but trust me on this one) but it doesn't seem to materialize.

Keep your fingers crossed. Two more days to go.

btw: last night G drank the last beer in the fridge that was tempting me so. I had to stop myself from even asking for a sip. I said to myself "Self, if you can't go one week without a drink then you my friend have a problem. How are you ever going to make it nine months when you get pregnant? (see how much I've got babies on the brain?!!) Mind you the G-man has promised that when I do, he'll stop drinking in support. Ya right...we'll see.

I am worth $1,594,044 on HumanForSale.com

So far so good

If you know me, you know I get headaches. You may or may not know when I normally get them but… it’s ... here. (wink wink) Day one, and as of yet, no headache. I’m doing my best to stay away from all the bad headache-inducing items such as: alcohol, sugar and cold drinks. I originally and caffeine in that list but I’ve recently learned that one cup a day isn’t bad, in fact it helps a little. Especially if you feel a headache coming on and you pop an Advil with it. The caffeine constricts the blood vessels and helps the Advil get into your system faster. This method helped clear up last months three-day attack… whew.

I’m dying to drink the last beer that’s sitting in the fridge left over from the weekend, but last month I had a gin and tonic around this time and thought that a piddly glass of water before bed would pre-empt the situation. Alas… no.While writhing in pain on the third day of blinding brain pain, I swore no alcohol during this week. If I still get one then I know it’s completely hormonal and that it's not my fault. At that point I’ll have to talk to my doctor and make some “changes”.

Owie

Okay it’s going to be one of those multiple blog days as it’s really slow and I’ve got all my paperwork in order for my meeting with the lawyer later this afternoon. I spent the entire day working on it yesterday as was quiet around the office. I imagine it will be until the visa statements come in and them I’m expecting “expense-form-filling out hell”!! But until then, look busy! That’s the game plan.

Here’s my question for today: Why do shoes have to hurt? Some shoes are all day shoes and I love those kind. Some are sexy or cute AND comfortable but some are sexy or cute and really really not. Yesterday I put on a pair of shoes that I bought while down in Hartford, one of the only good things to come out of the trip. They are kind of retro and at the start of the day I suspected they wouldn’t be “all day shoes” but I was willing to live through it cuz they were so cute. As it turned out, after I put a couple of heavy-duty band-aids on my heels just below the back ridge of the shoe, they were fine.

Today I’m definitely wearing “not all day” shoes. By the time I was standing on the subway this morning my heels were raw. I walked from my house to the streetcar, from the streetcar to the subway station, through the subway station and onto the train. Raw…red (not yet bleeding) but raw. I had pre-empted worsening the blister situation by putting band-aids on the spots where I had them yesterday but this is now a higher location as they are sort of strappy and go around my ankle. If you were at the wedding, they are the red #’s I wore with my “cocktail” outfit at the beginning of the evening. I’ve put another set of band-aids trimmed to try and camouflage considering the teeny strap but I feel like a walking bandage.

What we go through for fashion.

Here's some help.

Sappy makes me Happy

Well, today’s the day. I’m meeting with the lawyer to start the proceedings to have myself appointed as my dad’s Guardian of Property and Personal Care. God that sounds formal. Basically, I’m applying under the Substitute Decisions Act to handle my father’s care and finances. I’m as prepared as I think I can be, that’s not to say I have all the information that I need … but that’s another story.

I’m not really nervous just anxious to know if this is going to be a long and drawn out process or a relatively straightforward one. It’s the not knowing that makes me nervous more than anything.

I’ll let y’all know how it goes.

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I didn't make it for a run today. A little sore from yesterday. The funny thing was that I woke up at 6am sharp. I couldn't believe it. Luckily I fell back to sleep and slept until 7:00.

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I love Rockstar INXS. I can’t tell you how much I love this show. Almost as much as The Amazing Race but not quite.

Okay, now that you’ve stopped judging me for being a reality television whore, listen – this show is great. Yes it’s people “auditioning” to be the new lead singer for INXS, and that part is cheesy, but their performances are incredible. This show blows Canadian (and American) Idol out of the water because these people know how to perform. They may not all be the best singers but god do they know how to kick the shit out of a song. It’s so entertaining. If you can get past the idea of a bunch of “has been”s looking for a way to jump back on the scene, check it out.

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The G-man and I are going to be celebrating our one-year anniversary on the 18th. What a year eh? Our wedding anniversary is also our five-year anniversary for being “back” together. For those of you who don’t know the story, G and I met in 1992 in theatre school. The connection was there between us but the maturity wasn’t. We tried to date for a while but neither of us were patient enough to make it work. After that we came and went with an overnight here and there or a lust-full weekend scattered about but nothing serious. But five years ago when he came to Vancouver for a visit the timing was almost perfect.

This past year he has been my lighthouse in a storm of grief, frustration and madness. I am honoured to be married to him and it is a pleasure to know that I get to spend the rest of my life as his wife. I know it sounds sappy but hey…sappy works. Sappy gets me through the day. Sappy makes me happy.

mmm....sexy!

Sweatin with The Girls

I managed to get my butt out of bed to go for a run this morning. I gave my thirty days cancellation to my gym considering I haven’t been in about two months. Yes, the “Queen of 6 days a week at the gym”, has fallen off the wagon. With everything that’s been going on in my life, going to the gym is the lowest priority imaginable. Plus, it’s become a pain in the ass to get there considering I don’t always have to buy a bus pass because work has been so sporadic. In order to commit to go to the gym every day, I have to have a bus pass, therefore my gym membership actually costs me $152.00 a month and I’m sure I can find something closer to me that doesn’t cost THAT much.

As a result, all of my gym wear is sitting at home staring me in the face, taunting me because it knows that I start the big "O" again in three weeks, AND it knows after that I’m supposed to be doing “Bikini Girl” in the Exotic Outdoor Adventure pilot.

After telling G-man last night that I was planning on going for a run this morning he replied, “No you’re not. Who are you kidding?” so I had to go whether I wanted to or not, just to mush it in his face. And getting up wasn’t too bad. It’s so much easier in the summer when the sun is up than in the winter when it’s bloody dark. I got up and stretched (kitties didn’t quite know what was going on and had to come and investigate mommy on the living room floor) and then headed out. ½ hour works out to be just over 3km. Got home and did the sweaty version of the stretching. More kitty investigation, then it was getting ready as usual.

My girlfriend Rabs has been working really hard at the gym and I commend her effort and wish I could find some of her motivation again. I guess with the impending near naked (or naked as the case may be in SF) occurrences, the motivation will find me.

Long Weekend Withdrawl

Today I’m in a new department for my temp assignment. The first day is always a bit awkward. Never know just what the personalities are or how much leeway you might have. Things are pretty good over here. I have a feeling it’s going to be one of those environments that is either crazy busy or insanely boring. There’s a bunch of stuff that I’ve already had to “jump into” but such is the life of a temp!!

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The weekend was… weird. I had a major case of PMS coupled with the stress surrounding my dad and getting things ready for the lawyer this week. To compound things, we had a friend of Gary’s in from Vancouver. It wasn’t that she was difficult to have around but as you girls out there know, when you’re in the middle of massive emotionally imbalanced mood swings, it’s hard to put on the “happy happy happy / let’s have a good time” hostess face. I found that getting plastered on Saturday night (what else is new?!!) on Margaritas (new favourite summer drink) after getting pedicures with Gary and Donna (Donna got a manicure) didn’t do much to help the situation. I still was in a pretty funky mood. Normally that would have cheered me right up. But instead I walked around hating everyone and everything. I love drunk hating too. It’s not like really hating where you actually hate; it’s like just bitter/you suck hating. So much fun. Gary asks “Can I get anyone anything?” and I think “Ya, I’ll have a new life stupid!” and hate him while I’m thinking it. So fun!!!

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One absolute highlight to the weekend was the laser pointer we bought to play with the cats. Our upstairs neighbour brought one over about a month ago and Marlowe lost her mind. OMG it was the funniest thing ever. I wish I could load video on here to show you but she goes crazy over this thing. We had her going in circles, up and down the hall, up the wall, everywhere. My favourite is anywhere on or near Lucy. Marlowe goes after the laser point, swats at it hitting Lucy and she gives Marlowe a shot back in defence. It’s really quite hilarious. After about five minutes she’s completely tuckered out and panting like her lungs are about to collapse. We’ll get her to lose weight yet!! Lucy couldn’t give two shits about it. Gary thinks she’s stupid and doesn’t know what to do with it. I think she knows exactly what it is and isn’t running around like an idiot for anyone other than herself – and she does that plenty!

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Gary and I got to spend a couple of hours with my dad yesterday. When we walked in he was sleeping but woke up once he heard us talking. He’s a bit like an old engine, slow to warm up but once he’s running he goes full tilt. We got to see him up in the walker as well, which was a good sight. He’s pretty wobbly but knows about putting one foot in front of the other. And he can go out in a regular wheelchair now, which means he can get himself around by walking his feet along the floor. He needs some help with direction but he moves at a good clip! We had a lot of chats because I had brought out some photographs for him (suggested by his care-workers) and he was having a hard time remembering the people in them (mostly me and Gary) and when they were taken. By the end of the visit he seemed to know... not necessarily remember, but he could tell me who was in the photo.

The cutest thing when I was leaving; I said “By Pop. I love you” to which he replied, “That’s nice. I’m not taking you anywhere though.” Ahh, at least he’s still got a sense of humour; whether he knows it or not.