Ever since I hit the point of no return with G, I experience moments of happiness that are immediately followed by a comment, in my head, similar to: “Enjoy it now because it’s not going to last” or “Laugh now because one day he’s going to leave you”.
I’ve spent a good portion of my adult live believing (or fearing) that I was going to end up like my mother. Let’s take a look here:
· Single mother
· Over weight
· Alone
· And more recently – dead from a massive stroke
I’m almost 34, I just got married last year and I have no children. I’m 130 lbs (sometimes 135 if it’s been a particularly “chippy” time) and as far as I know, I’m not having a stroke…at this moment. I’ve got very little in common with her but still, I’m literally terrified that I’m going to end up like her.
When I think about having children I tell myself that I’m going to have to accept the fact that one day I might be a single parent and until I can be okay with that I shouldn’t be having any.
I exercise (albeit sporadically) because if I feel a little soft and pudgy I imagine looking like she did and it scares me running… literally.
And here’s something that doesn’t really fit into the “mom” profile but it fits with Oprah’s statement. I think I'm difficult because I get ticked off very easily. I have a short fuse and it’s easy for me to be bothered by other people’s behaviour. For example;
Yesterday was a big day for me with the lawyer and all. When I said goodbye to G in the morning, he didn’t offer any words of support or encouragement. Somewhat excusable because he was still sleeping and not really very coherent. He called at 8:15pm to ask if I had gone out with some friends as expected (thanks for not calling Tanya!!!) and when he realized I was home, simply said that he would see me soon. Silly me! I had thought he was calling to find out how it went with the lawyer. Once he got home, he sat down and started watching Vanity Fair on the Movie Network. Nothin. I went to do up the dishes and while in there he came in and asked what I did after work. I stopped and looked at him with the “What do you think I did after work?!” look on my face to which he replied, “What?” with a smirk. He still didn’t get it.
So I’m ticked. Something this major and he doesn’t feel it necessary to even try to remember that it’s happening. I don’t want to say anything to him, because I feel like it’s a piddley and it really shouldn’t matter but nonetheless, I’m irked.
(Thanks, I needed to get that off my chest) Here’s the thing; I’ve always believed myself to be moody and hard to please. Whenever G and I get through a big blow out, I always thank him for putting up with me and being patient with me because I believe that I’m overly sensitive and emotional.
I feel like if I don’t change my beliefs about myself, they are going to come true. I’m sure I’m paraphrasing but the gist of what Oprah said was,
“It’s a circle. You put out to the universe what you believe (or fear) and when it comes time for the universe to give you something in return, the only thing that’s out there is your “belief” so that’s what it gives you. If you believe something positive, that’s what it gives you. If you believe something negative, that’s what you get.”
I need some new beliefs. I need to do some soul searching and seriously look at who I am, separate from my mother. I need to believe in the positive and not ignore the possibility of the negative. I do know enough about myself to understand that if I am in a good and confident place, I can deal with just about anything. I mean look at the last 10 months of my life. If I can handle that and still get out of bed in the morning, I’m in pretty good shape.
Here's the thing, over the last few months I have actually believed that it’s possible for Gary and I to grow old together. That he won’t in fact leave me one day. I don’t know what happened to plant this seed but it seems to be growing quite well. It’s something in his eyes. It’s something in the way he looks at me with so much love (I’m tearing up as I write this – and that’s not good because I’m in an open concept office) that makes me believe we are going to make it. I guess I’m tearing up because there is still a little fear there of losing it all. I’m hoping that with time I’ll believe it more and more until one day there is only the future with him ahead of me.
2 comments:
I took part of yesterday afternoon off and I too watched Oprah. She had a huge impact on me as well, especially when she said that people are overweight because they believe that they don't deserve to be loved, or feel they are worthy of love. It really made me think cuz we all know I could stand to lose more than a few pounds! Really haven't got to the bottom of that one yet, could it be that this is why I'm overweight.... but what I can tell you is that even after almost 26 years (well 31 if you count dating time) with your uncle I sometimes wonder if it can possibly be forever! I'm thinking it can for us, and that it will be for you too!
One time years ago Oprah said when interviewed on 20/20, "I'm so rich now I can wear pantyhose once and then throw it in the trash!"
When she said that I thought, geez, that's rich, i guess! Recently she had a show on how mothers are jealous of their daughters, the fact that their daughters are living the life they never had, and yeah, that really affected me because that is my mother (without the whole spying and lying and stuff). She doesn't do it maliciously, but sometimes I feel such guilt that it tears my heart apart. But that's my story.
Ok, in my own humble opinion, for the record, life is a strange place and i don't care what anyone says, there is no way to direct its course. Decisions are made for a reason. Hokey, yeah, but that's what I believe. Is that a lazy outlook? Perhaps.
You love your mother, you will always love her, but you are not your mother. You are a strong, determined, loved, but an extremely human thing - an individual, maybe similar to her in some ways of course (e.g. looks), but you are not destined to live her life as she did. You can't help what you feel, you can try to feel better and live your life to the fullest, but in the end we are all human with our problems and hang ups and amazing quirks, but that makes us who we are apart from all others. Look, not anyone can say to you, no, you will not end up being any of the things you fear FOR SURE, but I can say to you, I know the person you are now Cyndi and you amaze me with your strength. Gary is your love and your support and I hope (and feel) you two will be together for the long run ... but Gary is not your everything. If you have children with him and something were to change (which I don't think they will but again, who is to know for sure), I doubt he would put you in a similar situation your mother faced. You guys are best friends, and yeah, sometimes he'll be a dink (innocently in his way) but never would he ever do anything to hurt you purposely.
I don't know if any of this makes sense, if what I'm trying to say is coming across.
Anyhow, I like you soft and pudgy.
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